I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
