our cab driver is having phone sex.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
