I puked a lego.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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