im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
