Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
