I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
