the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
