you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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