Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
