i permit you to call me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
try to milk me bitch
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