The maid of honor just puked.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
