is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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