worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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