A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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