my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
