Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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