Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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