he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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