Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
