I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
