i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
