I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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