he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
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