I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
