I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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