I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
