I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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