you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
