I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
