so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
