you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize