I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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