i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
