if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Houston, we have a blender
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
