I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
