She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
