I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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