Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize