I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
