I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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