But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize