awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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