You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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