she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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