I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You ruined the universe
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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