I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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