I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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