I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
