and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
