I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
