Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Your cock deserves a montage
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
