Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
