did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
