I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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