My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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