i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
