I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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