the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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