Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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