**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
