3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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