Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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